I did not intended to invent these thoughts, and seems like I let myself down quite a bit.
You know, surrender into fear is not Bo's style, so he's upset lately. I let worry and anxiety take over my joy. Oh, heart. you're so beaten up.
I am not sure if it's pregnancy or work load that drives me crazy. But I'm gonna figure it out. Thoughts are magical, they became real once they're written down, and became solid once someone make it happen.
Well, I told myself to say good bye to anxiety and bring back positive attitude into my writings.
Wish me luck.
In my spare time,
I like to imagine stories, fiction of course,
I think of making a movie base on fiction character.
And this is what I came up with lately.
I'm obsessed with mermaids.
I don't know why. I just love them, they're sexy, pretty, and mysterious.
then it will be a perfect romance to pair her to an elf like legolas. Isn't he handsome?
yeah I know, so random, I should start writing and let you know the story sometime soon!
I heard that the first 5 years of marriage is the hardest, especially the first year.
Well, I'm in my forth month and pregnant. =) and doing good. Surprisingly yeah.
I'm not sure if I understand how to be a good wife all sort of principles, neither does he. But we're doing OK. We had some arguments, but most of the time I'm so glad I didn't marry the wrong man.
Before marriage I always have that questions of whether he is going to be a good husband and dad, are we going to make it, is he the right one, and I over analyze his weakness, like oh, he's too kind to all people, he's not swift, he's so relaxed we might have die first in the apocalypse. I know, women's mind are twisted when it comes to this kind of decisions.
But after I marry him, I am so grateful that I did. He's just perfect in his imperfections. And how grateful I am to be that lucky woman on earth to be his wife.We're doing so fine. I am just happy to prepare dinner for him, and wait for him to come home. I am happy to clean our home, I found home in his arm. Never bored of hugging him.
I like it when he tease me, I like it when I'm annoyed and he laugh in return. He never take anything seriously. I know it's not a generally good thing, but since I take things too seriously, we make a very perfect couple. That's pretty much all, I feel bad for not being a perfect wife, but he accept me unconditionally. I never thought love can be this amazing.
This is an interview led by student from Stanford Graduate School of Business posted 28th April 2014 on youtube. I can't think of how she made it today becoming such a inspiring woman inside out. I love the whole talk and if you can't stand the whole hour listening, you can go straight to 1:00:46 for the closing note form Oprah. I take some notes too if your device fail to play the video. Enjoy!
Q = how do you think about balancing selflessness with selfishness?
It's kind of the tension between putting yourself first and also taking care of others
Oprah = everybody's heard the whole oxygen mask thing.
The truth is, you don't have anything to give that you don't have.
So you have to keep your own self full. that's your job.
real work is to figure out where your power
base is and to work on the alignment of your
personality, your gifts that you have to
give with the real reason why you're here.
That's the number one thing you have to do, is to work
on yourself and to fill yourself up and keep your cup full.
Keep yourself full. I used to be afraid of that.
I used to be afraid, particularly, from people who'd say, od, she's so full of herself.
And now, I embrace it.
I consider it a compliment that I am full of myself because only when you're full.
I'm full, I'm overflowing. my cup runneth over. I have so much.
I have so much to offer and so much to give and I'm not afraid of honouring myself.
The design, the reason why I'm here is much bigger.
So the ability to take care of that, to honor that, to honor yourself and that
which is greater than yourself, that which was the reason for your being here.
There's no selflessness in that.
Only through that do you have the ability to offer yourself, your whole
self, your full expression of who you are, to the rest of the world.
put yourself at the top of the list. Future yourself, honour yourself.
Stop the crazy mind chatter in your head that tells you all the time that
you're not good enough because that's the number one issue with everybody.
The reason people say, you know, how is that?
It's cuz you wanna know how do you measure up.
Well, to know that your just being here, your just being here.
however that sperm, bam, hit that egg, however that occurred for you
that your being here is such a miraculous thing and
that your real job is to honor that, is to honor that.
Oprah's note =
I just wanna end with this: there are no mistakes.
There really aren't any, cuz you have a supreme destiny.
When you're in your little mind, in
your little personality mind or you're not centered,
you really don't know who you are but you come from something greater and bigger.
We really all are the same.
You don't know that, you get all flustered, you get
stressed all the time, wanting something to be what it isn't.
There's a supreme moment of destiny calling on your life.
Your job is to feel that, to hear that, to know that
and sometimes, when you're not listening, you get taken off track.
You get in the wrong marriage, the wrong relationship, you take the wrong job.
Yeah, but it's all leading to the same path.
There are no wrong paths. There are none.
There's no such thing as failure really, because failure is
just that thing, trying to move you in another direction.
So you get as much from your losses, as you do from
your victory cuz the losses are there to wake you up.
So when you understand that you don't allow yourself to be completely thrown
by a grade or by a circumstance because your life is bigger than
any one experience and if I had, I always ask people on Super
Soul Sunday to tell me, what would you say to your younger self?
Every person says in one form or another, I would have said, relax.
It's gonna be okay. It really is gonna be okay because even if you're on
a detour right now and that's how you know, when you're
not at ease with yourself, when you're feeling like dead
is the cue that you need to be moving in another direction.
Don't let yourself get all thrown off, continue to be thrown off course.
When you're feeling off course, that's the key.
How do I turn around?
So when everybody was talking about, when I started this network,
if I had only known, good lord, how difficult it would be.
The way through the challenge is to get still
and ask yourself what is the next right move?
Not think about oh*devastation*, what is
the next right move and then from that space make the next
right move and the next right move and not to be overwhelmed by
it because you know your life is bigger than that one moment.
We wear the mask that grins and lies. It shades our cheeks and hides our eyes. This debt we pay to human guile With torn and bleeding hearts… We smile and mouth the myriad subtleties. Why should the world think otherwise In counting all our tears and sighs. Nay let them only see us while We wear the mask.
We smile but oh my God Our tears to thee from tortured souls arise And we sing Oh Baby doll, now we sing… The clay is vile beneath our feet And long the mile But let the world think otherwise. We wear the mask.
When I think about myself I almost laugh myself to death. My life has been one great big joke! A dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke. I laugh so hard HA! HA! I almos’ choke When I think about myself.
Seventy years in these folks’ world The child I works for calls me girl I say “HA! HA! HA! Yes ma’am!” For workin’s sake I’m too proud to bend and Too poor to break So…I laugh! Until my stomach ache When I think about myself. My folks can make me split my side I laugh so hard, HA! HA! I nearly died The tales they tell sound just like lying They grow the fruit but eat the rind. Hmm huh! I laugh uhuh huh huh… Until I start to cry when I think about myself And my folks and the children.
My fathers sit on benches, Their flesh count every plank, The slats leave dents of darkness Deep in their withered flank. And they gnarled like broken candles, All waxed and burned profound. They say, but sugar, it was our submission that made your world go round.
There in those pleated faces I see the auction block The chains and slavery’s coffles The whip and lash and stock.
My fathers speak in voices That shred my fact and sound They say, but sugar, it was our submission that made your world go round.
They laugh to conceal their crying, They shuffle through their dreams They stepped ’n fetched a country And wrote the blues in screams. I understand their meaning, It could an did derive From living on the edge of death They kept my race alive By wearing the mask! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
It surprises me how vulnerable I am in a marriage.
I think I am suppose to be happy and joyful right now.
I have a loving husband, great families, I have everything we need.
But all I can think of is how horrible I am so far for being a wife, a mom to be, a daughter, an in law, a friend, a partner, a leader. I am so far from what I picture I would be.
I am not good at cooking, doing laundry, house cleaning, waking up, encouraging my husband, pampers him when he get home, I am not good in managing a business, or leading staffs, I'm horrible.
I am attached to my bed and computer. Partly because I'm pregnant, partly because I am working on a lot of projects. I can't find a word quite suitable to address my behaviour, but Imma need to fix this.
This is marriage life, I'm a new comer, I'm just shocked by changes in my body and my life.
It looks bad and messy now, but I'll master it.
Like me saying to myself,
"Don't be sad, accept the judgement, and improve your skills."
It's 2 months and 16 days since our wedding. And I'm pregnant! =D
It's a happy news, I'm glad God bless us with a coming baby. I hope everything work out well. I wish for health of my baby.
Well, being a mom to be, I'm not ready, to be honest.
I'm terrified and confused.
Mentally and physically!
I have a hormone war inside of my body that sicken me.
I can't eat much and I struggle to breath sometimes.
Everything is revolting and smells bad!
I have trouble sleeping and eating.
I have serious anger issue, I can cry every minute and sleep another minute.
So that's pretty much what happen these days. I stay in bed and worry a lot of things.
Hahaha... but these too shall pass right?
Well, I suppose I'll just take a day at a time, and glide with it.
It's a month away from entering a new chapter in my life. And I'm so overwhelmed with joy!
I took some time to read my diaries from my younger-self and found some prayer for my yet-to-be-found-love. It is so surreal to have all the prayers comes true at the end of the day.
Well, growing up, I was and still am a little bit weird.
I feel more comfortable alone than to be with anyone else. There are times when I doubt if I'll meet someone who can love me as I
am, because I am always a bit uncomfortable in my own skin. There is a point in my journey, that I lose interest in romance. I have a lot of dreams and I prefer to pursue them. It is better to study and be a smart woman, so that one day when I meet my better half, I don't come as his
burden, but a helper to face our future together. Believing in "love will find it's way to you" or "the right person will come along" or "you haven't meet the one yet".
So I promised myself, that one day if I found my love, I'll treasure each and every moment. I promise myself that I
won't take love for granted. I will love with all my heart, my soul, my
everything, because the one that I marry is the one and only reason I
treasure my heart during all those years. So he can take me, all in a
solid commitment. Still, every man that I dated didn't worked out. He is either the wrong person, or come in the wrong time,
or the wrong place, or from the wrong family. I wasn't sure if marriage is for me. It is almost
impossible to love someone as much as he loves you back, until I met him. Looking back and connecting the dots, I can't believe how I come to this point in my life without His mercy. It is solely His kindness. I wish I have a way to pour so many words in my mind into a short story. But it'll be in another post.
